'You Only Live Once'

As all of my family and closest friends know, I am not the adventurous/outdoor type of person. And I have never ever been. I guess I was never lucky or blessed enough to be born with that in my DNA. Even if I wanna inject those kinds of stuffs in my system, my body would literally not accept it and would eventually vomit it all back out. BUT, recently I had decided to turn it all around and try something new. Something different. Something outdoorsy. Something to live up to the phrase “Live a little”. Hence, my friends and I went to ride ATV yesterday morning at ATV Adventure Park in Kemensah Heights. If you ask me two weeks ago, I would never imagine myself having to ride and participate in these kinds of things. Even my friends were shocked that I would agree to do it. Well, even I myself am shocked. For myself! Unlike me, my best friends have always been the adventurous types of girls that I personally believe all guys would love. They have ride on jet skis, ATVs several times, banana boats, ice skating, roller blading, skiing on top of snowy mountains and more. You name it; they have experienced it all. Whereas I would just prefer to sit back and watch them have all the fun. But they completely understand where and why all of this is coming from me. Why I would prefer to miss out all the fun. Why I am so scared to join them. And this is my reason:

Four years ago, I went on a road trip to Singapore with my friends and their family. We went there right after we completed our SPM and high school. It was all very enjoyable and we had the best times of our lives by going to their cousin’s wedding, having sleepovers, telling ghost stories in the middle of the night among all their cousins; guys and girls. It was all just good fun. To top all of that, we were staying at this huge creepy rental bungalow in Singapore. And mind you, it gets double creepy since our bungalow was located right beside the abandoned Changi Hospital which we can see perfectly clearly from our bedroom window. And yes, all of us did get and feel that sense of ‘something’ that night. You know that bad feeling to the point where the hair on the back of your neck stands up and you have goose bumps all over your arms, legs and whole body. You start to get that cold feeling on your chest which makes you shiver like crazy. And you know what’s worse? You can’t help but to feel paranoid of the fact that someone might be watching you. From the hospital! Because there are a lot of stories regarding to the haunting site and I have watched a documentary on the Changi Hospital once. (At the exact moment as I am writing this, there's a dog barking so loud outside my house. And it's 2am in the morning. I'm having chills. Dog, stop). However, I have never been the type of person who believes in these paranormal things but that night completely makes me second-questioned my beliefs over these stuffs. Or perhaps my brain was just trying to psycho the shit out of me. Well, I don’t know. It’s all over and it’s four years ago anyway. 

So, back to the story! I am so sorry, by the way. I always tend to stray from my actual points whenever I'm trying to deliver a story. It’s one of my flaws. Anyway, one sunny morning my friends, their cousins and I decided to go to this famous park in Singapore called East Coast Park. It’s such a perfect spot for having family picnics, playing kites, jogging and doing other outdoor activities. Just perfect. So the park provided this service of renting bicycles and roller blades which you can leisurely stroll and play around it. I was obviously gonna go for the bicycle. It’s cuter, it’s easier and more importantly, it’s much more safer! But since every one of them was too adventurous and thought that bicycles were just “mehh” for them, they decided to choose roller blade instead. And me, thinking that I do not want to look like an idiot and a loser by being the only one who would go with a bicycle, stupidly decided to change to roller blade then. I was obviously not confident in roller blades because I don’t have enough muscles in my legs to support them. That thing was literally heavier than my foot. No, it was heavier than me. So how am I supposed to be able to play and support them? After I put on and tighten those devils on both of my feet, I tried to stand up but I couldn’t. I just sat there like a sore loser for five minutes, took a huge deep breath till my chest ached, then tried standing up again. This time, I managed to but I couldn’t help shaking like crazy. My legs were shaking so bad as if an earthquake was happening right under my feet that day. But I told myself to get a grip and don’t be such a wimpy baby. However, my best friends and their cousins were super supportive and helpful to me, and they guided me through every single step. For 15 minutes or so, I was doing quite okay and I thought to myself, “This isn’t so bad after all!” I was actually enjoying it. I enjoyed it a lot UNTIL, that horrible moment came. Oh yes, honey. Next thing happened was the moment that eventually changed my life forever and made me anti-adventurous/outdoorsy since. I lost my balance and everything was happening too quickly that I didn’t see what was coming for me next. I fell hard, face first, on the tar road. The impact was so strong, so quick that my face basically slams real hard on the tar road. I don’t know why, but I just laid there with my face down on the road, thinking that I was already dead, gone, goodbye, until I heard someone calling, shouting my name in such a panic voice and came running over to me. I heard a bunch of footsteps coming over as well a few seconds later and they were all bending down on me. I couldn’t get up from my position yet. But I know I had to at some point. And so I did. The first thing I noticed was blood. It was everywhere. On my shirt, on my jeans, on the road. And what’s worse, the source of the blood was coming from my face. So you can imagine how my face looks like on that unfortunate day. I had blood oozing and gushing from my forehead, my nose, my mouth and my teeth. It was bleeding so much to the point where I really thought it was never going to stop. But thankfully, that day happened to be our last day in Singapore. Therefore after the accident, my friends and I immediately went back to KL. They were driving beyond the speed limit as blood was still oozing down my face in the back of the car, rushing to the hospital. It took me months and a monthly visit to a specialist doctor to get completely healed from all the wounds and scars on my face. After that, I learned my lesson to not be a fool of taking such risks ever again and doing things that are beyond my capabilities. Way, way beyond. Since then, I have always traumatized with participating any more outdoor activities and that’s why I would always prefer to be left behind.

However, recently I don’t know what came into me. Something just knocked me on the head and I decided to agree to go ride on an ATV yesterday morning with my friends. They have persuaded and dragged me to go with them before but only this time did I agree. To be honest, it was such a fun experience I ever had. But however much fun it was, I think it would probably be my first and last time. Just as long as I had the ‘experience’.

But before I was going on the ATV, Mama couldn’t help feeling really worry for me and I completely understand that since the Singapore incident happened. She kept on telling me to be careful and asking me, “Do you really wanna do this? It’s dangerous.” Saying how scared she was for me but I assured her that I’ll be absolutely fine and there’s really nothing to be worry about. So yesterday, my friends and I finally went for it. Our ATV session ride only took about one hour where we would drive into the deep jungle and stop at a waterfall. But through it all, or 'behind the scenes', my friends and I obviously had some misfortunes along the ride. There was one time where I would accidentally drove my ATV straight into a cliff because I happened to lost control but I managed to steer it immediately back on the right path. Moreover, we also had to cross over some bumpy, rocky and muddy paths where there’s uphill and downhill roads. My favourites are definitely riding on those uphill roads where I can just accelerate the motor engine to the maximum and going crazy as I was riding up these rocky paths and shouting like a monkey with a ‘Mission accomplished’ wide grin on my face. However, those rocky downhill paths don’t like me very much. Mm-hmm, no. We were told that we had to do a double break whenever we come across those very steep downhill roads. But since the pulling gravity of the earth happened to be extra strong that morning, I really felt like the earth was pulling my ATV down like a magnet. As I was going through these very steep downhill roads, I pulled on both of the brakes with as much energy as I can muster. But to my horror, it was still going down very fast! And I couldn’t even understand why it won't slow down and stop since I was already pulling these two breaks with my butt off. There was even a time where I thought to myself “Oh my God, I am not going to die today. No, I am still too young and still too precious to die at this age. I still have a lot more going on in the future. No, please stop!” That was literally what I was thinking as I was going down the road. And by some God’s miracle, the ATV eventually stopped right at the bottom of the downhill road and I thought to myself again which you know that whole thing where people say ‘You Only Live Once’? Hell no! Screw that! Screw. That. I love my life too much to be risking it like this again. You only live once, so that's why you have to take extra care and extra love your life because life is too precious. Don't do risky activities where there's a potential-death sign at the end of the line. I had an accident once, and it is not going to happen for the second time now. 

But overall, I couldn’t deny the fact that I was really enjoying myself with the girls. It’s been quite a while since we did something adventurous like this together. We really enjoyed every second of the ride through the jungle and it’s definitely one of those moments where I would cherish and smile back over the memory with my girls for the years to come.

Rejuvenation

It is honestly really refreshing to start off your day with a make-up free face every once in a moon because you needn't worry about the clumpy mascara or the smeared lipstick on your face. Just one whole day of letting your skin relax and breathe a fresh air. Sometimes it can be quite irritating when you have to fight the urge to rub your eyes when they're itchy or having to apply lipstick over and over again after you're done eating or whenever it wears off. I would always face these problems because being a forgetful person that I am, or as you say it "nyanyuk", I tend to scratch or rub my eyes like crazy all the time and ended up looking like an ill zombie with dark circles under my eyes from the non-waterproof mascara which I always forgot that I'm wearing. And of course, I obviously have to go to the ladies' washroom to fix my make-up and spent probably around 10 minutes or so in there. The washroom is every girl's saviour, as I like to call it haha *flips hair*

Being a girl definitely has its own perks. The highs and lows. The pros and cons. The beauty side and the ugly side. In my case, one day I would want to dress up like a queen in a dress and high heels and be like "Bow before me, peasants" and on the next day I would be super lazy and just go out with my big ass sweaters, high bun/ponytail and sometimes even in my nightgown only, wishing to be avoided from as many muggles as possible. Ridiculous. I remember once when my best friends and I were having a sleepover and we were starving to death and thus craving for McDonald's at 12am midnight. So we drove in my car to go to the drive-thru, all four of us wearing nothing but our nightgowns only. We were hitting up that radio to the full volume with Lana Del Rey as her beautiful and haunting voice filled our heads and the entire car. In our minds, we just couldn't hold back the excitement of having to finally get that fast food and gobble it up like a bunch of desperate hungry female hyenas. However as we arrived at McDonald's, our worst nightmares became real and it slapped us real hard on each of our faces. The drive-thru system were currently out of service during that night. Which means, we had no other choice but to get out and buy our food in the restaurant instead. And in our nightgowns! The restaurants were still quite full at the time even though it was already past midnight and all four of us were literally panicking. But due to the fact that our stomachs were screaming, begging and crying out of hunger, we decided to not give a crap about our hideously dull appearances and just go inside the restaurant instead. And we did. Sure, we received a few glances here and there. But we just could not contribute any effort to give a damn because all our brains could ever think about at the time were only, "Food! Food! Food!". It was definitely the worst night of my life.

It is such a struggle sometimes to keep track and maintain one's appearances, especially if you're a girl. But I learned that you should not worry about what anyone else is saying about you. Don't let their acid words get into your head and control your life. Of course, we do have to put in some extra effort to give that good impression, but keep it to the limit and stay simple. Don't ever overdo it to the point of you having to be or appear like someone else. More importantly, just be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. Don't be afraid to show off your scars and don't conceal it behind make-up because make-up isn't going to last forever. Your youth isn't going to last forever. Moreover, Mama taught me to be proud of my own flaws. She told me to never hide them but instead embrace it, beautify it, wear it and be proud with it. And that is the one lesson that I am really grateful for which completely drives me to be the person that I am today.

The Land of Stories

The Land of Stories' saga are by far, the best fairy-tale novel I have ever read in my entire life. Being a fairy-tale freak myself, my mind was completely blown away after finished reading them. Who knew Chris Colfer who portrayed Kurt Hummel from Glee could write so well. His writing and imagination has reached beyond the maximum level of creativity, in my humble opinion. The way he twists the stories around really makes you want to stick to the novel like a superglue. As I was reading them, I literally could not bring myself to put the book down because I was always hungry for more on what's the story about to become and go next. As a result from two sleepless nights and three days of locking myself up in the bedroom, I managed to finish those three books on the third day since I started reading them. And yes, I did look quite like a zombie and gotten a bit skinny from the lack of sleep and eat, having only to survive on coffee in the middle of the night and throughout the rest of the day because I refused to get tired even for a little bit, but in the end it was all very much worth it.

To begin with, the story revolves around the life of Alex and Conner Bailey on the twins' spontaneous adventure when they accidentally traveled to a fairy-tale world called The Land of Stories through their grandmother's book. And being in the fantasy realm which is every little girl's dream, including mine obviously, it's no surprise that they get to meet with Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Red Riding Hood, The Charming Princes, The Frog King, Goldilocks, Rapunzel, Jack and his famous beanstalk, The Fairy Council, The Little Mermaid, The Seven Dwarfs, Beauty and the Beast, Rumpelstiltskin, the Big Bad Wolf Pack whom are the descendants of the one and only Big Bad Wolf himself (he was the wolf who hunted and swallowed Red Riding Hood and her grandmother all those years ago), Cinderella's Wicked Stepmother and ugly stepsisters, the Evil Queen whom is Snow White's evil stepmother, the evil Enchantress whom cursed Sleeping Beauty with the legendary 100 year sleep, The Sea Witch, The Snow Queen, Hansel and Gretel, the children-eating Witch and her gingerbread house, Alice, Lucy Pevensie, Wendy Darling, Dorothy, Bo Peep and the list goes on and on with just about every single fairy-tale characters you know. Oh yes! Last but not least, how could we ever forget the lovable Fairy Godmother whom made all Cinderella's dream come true with just a flick of her wand. To the twins' amazement as well, The Fairy Godmother actually turns out to be their own grandmother!

As the story develops and the twins were now trapped in the homeland to the most historical classic characters, they have to do everything in their power to figure out a way to get back into our own world. The Otherworld, as they called it. But with all the legendary villains hot on their trail at the same time, the twins could never imagined that these characters whom they fear reading about so much while growing up could eventually happened to them in reality. But with the assistance and help from all the royal princesses and princes, the twins realized too that there are simply much more of unexpected events and truths behind the perfect fairy-tale that everyone practically only learned and loved by the surface of it. One of the reasons I love most about Colfer's writing and his imaginative creation of the story is that as you read and understand the story deeper and deeper, you will learned the crucial truth on why the Evil Queen tortured Snow White. Why did the Enchantress place a 100 year-old curse on Sleeping Beauty and her entire kingdom. Why did the Wicked Stepmother hate Cinderella so much. Why did Rumpelstiltskin want the royal first-born that he was promised to so much. How did Goldilocks first came to the Three Bears' house. All these stories that we grew up with by reading Hans Christian Andersen and the German writers, the Brothers Grimm were all just the surface of it. The masks, as I like to call it. I think that's why my mind could not properly function after reading The Land of Stories because I was just too blown away by it.

And so, I simply want to share my enthusiasm on this novel for those of you who might be interested in reading them and to let you know that if you love fairy-tales as much as I really do, these novels are definitely worth buying. Also as I am writing this post, I just couldn't wait to start on the second round of the novels which they are currently displaying on my bookshelves right now, calling and inviting me non-stop. I just wish they would shut up. On that note, I couldn't wait for the fourth series of The Land of Stories which will be published this fall because the ending of the third book was just too evil for me. I mean, why did Colfer have to end it in that way? It's just too...un-human. Too unreal. And pure evil. Nevertheless, please please please grab this book and read it because it has definitely inspired me so much. It's definitely a must-have book in your collection for all you fairy-tale lovers out there. For now, I am going to travel and embark on another journey to The Land of Stories for the second time. Farewell.

Monologue at 3am.

They say inspiration comes from heartbreak,

Or the power of falling in love,

Yet I am experiencing the magic of both,

The magic so powerful it kills me,

But rejuvenates me at the same time,

I feel electrically alive, I feel deadly sorrow,

I am a paradox, caught between heaven and hell,

Do I belong in the heartless cold of winter?

Or will I discover life again in the beauty of summer?

To that we shall discover,

And thus the journey of my poetry unfurls.

Now where do I begin?

Too many collections, my mind needs a little digging,

But halt, as I am still in the midst of freezing,

I cannot now flee the bitter cold,

Because as one needs to step into their escapism,

A tender sacrifice must be build before the birth of the sun.

I once knew a story of a girl,

Her journey was too painfully intriguing,

It is simply impossible to hide it from the world,

And now I write on her behalf as she is slowly healing,

From the bleeding and the reaping.

She pleads me to be gentle with her story,

But I said she needn't worry,

For I too am singing the same song and beating the same drum,

Because then it dawns on me that the girl and I are one.

_______________________________________________________________

She was in the winters of her life,

The sun was dead and the skies were crying with grey,

The heart of the river stopped flowing,

Just like her heart.

Her tender loving heart, oh she misses it so,

Her sweet gentle heart, he took it by surprise,

He took it by swapping with his,

And she loved it like it was hers, she cared for it like a child,

And she was jubilant for she loved him so, until he destroyed it.

Murdered it, left it in the cold,

And she was shattered to pieces; she was shivering, she was helpless.

For deep in her heart, she knew that she would never get it back.

And if she did, ‘tis will never be the same again,

As she gave her all to him, her whole.

Neglected and destroyed her fragile heart he did,

And this is the part that kills her the most;

She still keeps his heart safely in her crushed soul,

His was beating vigorously within her and yet she's never letting it go.

She was okay when you were gone,

Through the heartfelt pain of thousands of knives stabbing her,

The overflowing river of her tears.

She survives.

She was okay throughout the slow ticking of the clock,

The sun smiling sinisterly upon her, the rain drowning her,

The image of you with the girl haunting her constantly,

The cold memory of your last goodbyes,

The painful acceptance of learning you will never win her again,

The hurtful sayings that you never did appreciate her love for you,

She still survives.

She still survives strongly.

Yes, she is going to be okay.

- a.i.a.

Prologue

A sudden realization hits me of the fact that I needed to pour out the monologues I've been fighting with through some kind of a "portal" for my escapism from the bitter realities. These monologues had been fighting against and alongside with me since the day I learned what love and heartbreak are. I needed some place to escape. A place to cry. A place to laugh. Basically, a place where I can be myself. Thus, ever since I was a child I realized the only way for me to reach that particular unending destination is through writing. Writing has always been my acquaintance for as long as I can remember. It accompanies me through every situation I've been under because that is basically, the only way I would ever know how to express myself. Not that I don't ever confide in normal human beings, but I guess I have always prefer the company of my own. It is because I have always like to keep those feelings, my monologues, to myself rather than to go around and trouble other people about it. With that being said, that is why it is called monologues for a reason. Because it basically means a speech that you're addressing to yourself. Yourself.
As I was growing up, I have began taking interest in poetry and literature. I knew a little girl of 5 years-old who started reading her first fairy-tale literature by a Danish writer, Hans Christian Andersen during that age and also started writing her first ever poem at the age of 13. Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, that little girl is me. Many people find it queer for me to have such passionate interest in literature but I guess, being a bookworm has definitely taken its toll on me and my parents always taught me to just embrace and be proud with it. And I am. I really am and I couldn't be happier now.
After much thoughts and consideration, I have finally decided to create this blog in order to express and write my poems and stories that I've been writing throughout these past few years. I have finally found the "portal" to travel through. I was honestly so scared and unprepared for people to read my work pieces before because they are truly very precious and personal to me as each of them carries a significant symbol, meaning and journey of my life. However one day as I woke up (which is this morning), I had the epiphany to pluck up my courage and just do it. I literally convinced and said to myself, "It's time". And so, here I am. I am ready. And these are my monologues.